i’m beginning to feel unappreciated. by others, yes; but mostly by myself. i am not nearly all that i can be.

i also lack love. i lack companionship. i lack interaction. i lack passion. i lack genuine relationships. i lack trust.

i’m not depressed by any means. i am however, sad. i wish someone understood me, but yet i think in a language even i cannot interpret. i want to be something to be proud of.

on a different note, why is it easier for me to look for comfort in loves long past? i should no longer need their approval or feel satisfied when i’m needed or wanted or noticed by them. i know the things that are wrong, i understand what i need to do, but changing ones ways is so much harder than one anticipates.

i place no blame on anyone for my situations; the absent father in my sons life, the abandoned feeling i hold deep in my heart, the loneliness i feel once the moon is lighting the sky, the emptiness i feel for not stepping up and being who i know i need to be.

i understand all peace lies within me.

however, it’s so hard to grasp tranquility when i’m so viciously fighting negativity on a large scale.

am i immature?

part of me yearns for a place that does not exsist, a time maybe where my problems could be easily solved. where do i fit into this society? i am unwilling to participate, and unwanted in most places. i wish to be a nomad. a wanderer. a doer. i do not want to be just another “middle class” citizen fighting to make my life decent by somebody elses standards. i want to live in the trees, away from labels and constraints thrown on me. i need no chains or anchors. i want to dance with the wind and kiss the stars. i want to raise my son to learn acceptance, and love, not brand names and gas emission policies. i want him to know the beating of a drum, not synthesized voices “spitting” lyrics from overpriced, over envied cars.

is this immature? wanting to escape the norm that we consider “living”?

i digress. i think society and my own thoughts are what make me feel useless sometimes. i think differently. i always have. i want something different from life than accomplishing to pay off my mortgage before i die.

i want love.

i want truth.

i want to bask in beauty everyday of my life, even the bad ones.